Afraid To Feel

The other day, a situation that happened with a friend years ago, popped into my mind-a thought that often pops in when I’m minding my own business. Immediately, a barrage of thoughts followed…you shouldn’t worry about other people, she’s crazy, she’s judgmental, why am I even thinking about this right now…and the list rolls on. Then it hit me, all of those thoughts, all of that mental sparing about what I should have said or done during that time, is just a way for me to keep from feeling what I’m actually feeling. So I stopped and felt it. I felt the hurt. I felt the anger. I felt the insecurity and the disappointment. I felt the frustration at being judged and annoyance at myself for caring and immediately, I felt relief. Since then, the thought has been MIA.

After sitting with this epiphany for some time, I realize that I have been afraid to feel. I have been afraid to feel heavy emotions so as a buffer; I create smoke and mirrors in the form of some sort of narrative that draws me away from the present moment. Because if I’m not in the present moment, I don’t have to be with that emotion, I don’t have to be with the trauma of what my nervous system felt at the moment the confusion took place. Of course, who wants to feel the pain of their heart cracking?

I think now, I would rather feel what I’m feeling instead of creating a story around an event in order to make myself right, pretend that I understand someone else's motivation or run from weightiness of being human? Up until this revelation, the reason for creating mental stories around events happened unconsciously, it just seemed normal, but prior to becoming aware and shifting, I find that I’ve been more open to past memories that “re-present” themselves as opportunities to be healed. I find that I am more forgiving and also able to let seasonal relationships fly in the wind. I feel much more clear and present and less anxious. When thoughts pop in and I am tempted to engage in a mental battle, I get still and if it hurt, I say to myself, “You know what, that hurt…that hurt my feelings or I’m really disappointed about that.” And I allow my heart to toss and turn until the ice breaks. I own what I’m feeling, covet the present moment, and from that space; my heart opens a little more each day.